And then there were three...

Santa Baby

2012-01-11T17:30:00.000-05:00

This holiday season was significantly different than last year. Instead of a bundled sleeping newborn, we had an active (although sick) toddler, who was interested in it all. Having a child has made the holidays so much more sweeter, watching their reactions which will grow bigger in years to come.

Jackson has proven to be an observer. He watches and takes it all in...and eats the wrapping paper if you're not quick enough.

On Christmas morning, the three members of our family (plus two, if you count the cats) got up and checked out what was under our tree.

Hope everyone had memorable holidays!

Birthday Party Times Two

2011-12-29T09:54:00.000-05:00

Jackson and Evan share birthdays almost one year apart exactly (Jackson on the 11th and Evan on the 13th) and because my parents travel from out of town there's a good chance we will have to share birthday weekends for many years to come...perhaps future joint birthday parties as well?

A few weekends ago, we had a birthday party weekend...first Jackson's big day, then Evan's the following day. Thanks to a team effort, Jackson's first birthday party went off without a hitch (party was at 2pm, we were icing cupcakes at 2:05...but it all worked out in the end!).

A first birthday is a milestone more for the parents than the child. I recognize that Jackson will never remember the decorations...

or the cupcakes...

or the awesome cookies...

or the people that came to share in his day...

or the many presents that were opened...

But this is what parents do when their child turns one.

I know that Jackson won't remember, but we will...we'll remember how he watched and observed and took it all in. We'll remember...

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Evan's big day was at Roly Pollies'... a kid's heaven of obstacles to climb and bounce on. We will definitely go back once Jackson's a bit bigger and can join in on some of the other activities. Such a fun place!

Reach for it!

Hugging on his great Aunt.

Attempt one at getting a cousin picture...

and two...

and three..............

.......................

...........................

............................

...........oh well.

Happy birthday to our boys!

The Birthday Post

2011-12-11T20:34:00.000-05:00

Today I went back and read Jackson's birth story. I hadn't read it since I wrote it almost a year ago...it brought it all back like it was just yesterday and I'm so grateful that I took the time to write it down. It felt amazing to relive Jackson's first cries, seeing Jackson only days old, and remembering how when we finally got to take him home, we were three. Pregnancy takes you on a journey that for most new mothers is very similar, but it is distinctly your journey. Those 9 months carrying a child are spent wondering who that child will become and dreaming of who they might be. And that hasn't changed one bit in the last year.

I will never forget the words that my doctor said when I went to him after our NT Screening with our 1 in 5 risk of a child with Downs Syndrome. He said, "This will be the best baby you ever have"...and he was right. When Jackson was born, everything changed and I cannot imagine a life without him in it. We may have our own challenges, but he is the most amazing thing Adam and I have ever done.

Today, I have taken a break from looking to the future and worrying about appointments, or schoolwork, and I've allowed myself to sit back and remember and reflect upon the last year. To paraphrase a dear friend, "Having kids is almost painful, you love them so much."

So today, we allowed ourselves to be in the moment, see the curiosity and wonder through Jackson's eyes.

First time in the big boy tub.

Checking out his birthday present from Re-Re (his daycare provider)

You're suppose to eat this stuff, right?

Opening his gift from the Ebare family (Carson is one of his daycare buddies)

First gift from Mommy and Daddy

The final monthly shot!

Not too big of a fan about having dirty hands.

So Big!

Happy birthday Jackson...You have blessed us with so much. We love you more than words can say.

Thankful

2011-11-27T21:06:00.000-05:00

One year ago, I had a little baby sitting in my belly...well more like wiggling all around in my belly and giving me heartburn on an hourly basis. But it was magical...and I'm not going to lie...I miss that feeling many days. Its amazing what has happened in a year and the many things I have to be thankful for.

Jackson of course, topping that list off. He is a happy and healthy baby who's smile makes my heart melt. He's at that stage where when you reach to pick him up, he raises his arms to meet you. And when you get him up in the morning or get him from day care, he shows his affection for you with a big grin on his face that just says, "I'm so thankful you're here! I missed you!"

Getting a laugh out of him is a little bit easier. He's very interested in sounds and words, so its been added to our bath time ritual which makes getting him dry and dressed a tad bit easier. So on any given night around 6:15, you'll hear me rattling off "Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba...Ball!!!" Or "Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya....Yippee!!!" (one of his favorites).

Tonight we're going to test out our new bath seat in the bath tub. While Jackson is not sitting up on his own yet, it is just getting too hard to bath him in the sink anymore. And I'm sure his Daddy would agree that it reeks havoc on the kitchen (and we'll be able to move his bath things from the top of our "pantry").

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Thanksgiving gave us a few days away from the daily work and stress...time to really relax and spend time with each other and our families. We continue to be blessed by the love and support that we're continuously surrounded by. And while we don't get to see some of our family often enough, a couple of days of food, laughter, and love will charge our batteries till we see them again to celebrate a certain someone's birthday (and his year old cousin). (And hopefully Jackson's Uncle Josh and Aunt Lacey felt our presence far away in China...we're all anxious for their return in June.)

First Turkey Dinner with my side of the family.

Adam reading his favorite childhood story to Jackson

Cousin Evan is so good with Jackson. He brings his toys over to Jackson, is gentle, and shares his sippy cup too!

Thanksgiving passing gives me the excuse to set up the Christmas tree and get in the holiday spirit. Another moment to spend with our family, snuggle up on the couch, and enjoy the lights on the tree.

Happy Holiday Season to you!

Balance

2011-11-13T09:35:00.000-05:00

I keep thinking that I'm going to find more time to update my blog, more time to clean my house, more time to grade papers, more time to do laundry...more time. The problem is... finding balance is really hard. When a spend more time with Jackson, I feel guilty about neglecting work obligations and when I work on my work obligations, I feel guilty about neglecting Jackson. The best parts of my days are the moments I get with Jackson but it makes my work life rather stressful when I don't get things done as in my pre-baby ways.

Ok...vent over...

Halloween...

I love Halloween...and while our days of major Halloween parties are limited, we had to dress Jackson up in a costume and participate in the spirit of Halloween... Even though he won't remember and can't eat the candy yet.

Are we having fun yet?

We visited about 6 houses with Jackson's cousin Evan before tapping out for the evening. Why did I think it would be a good idea to trick-or-treat around bath/bed time? Memories...

And for your amusement...Jackson's latest trick!

And on 11/11/11...Jackson turned 11 months old...and this may be my new favorite pic!

Lots of exciting things happening in the next month and a half! More to come!!! Off to take advantage of naptime and get some things done! Happy Sunday!

Celebrating

2011-10-11T20:04:00.000-04:00

This is a quick post since its been a busy day...but we've had some good things to celebrate around here.

First, Adam and I celebrated our 3rd year anniversary. And to paraphrase what Adam said, its been one heck of a year, amazing, exhausting and at times overwhelming, but I'd do it all over again... I think we work pretty well together.

We took advantage of the grandparents and had an evening out to ourselves. We indulged at one of our favorite places to eat, The Charleston, and gorged ourselves on delicious food and amazing wine pairings.

Second (and more importantly), Jackson turned 10 months today. I took the day off to take Jackson to visit with a developmental pediatrician over at Kennedy Krieger Institute. We spent a couple of hours over there this morning, discussing Jackson and how he is doing. To summarize, one of the women said that there job is not to predict...but Jackson is happy, engaging, active, vocal... and individuals like him end up doing very well. So we're happy over here.

And tired...its been a busy day of errands, cleaning, laundry, organizing, playing, PT, cuddling...so as I said earlier, this is a quick one. Off to finish some more laundry and find time to shower before a new day begins tomorrow. Nighty night.

Life

2011-09-29T09:30:00.002-04:00

Life has gotten away from me. With the start of the 2011-2012 school year, I find myself swamped with life...grading papers, lesson planning, doctor's appointments, PT appointments, and as many people have found after the hurricane and all the rain we've had, scheduling more appointments for roof repairs, mold removal...life has gotten away from me.

You know, all I want to do is cuddle Jackson and play with him, work on sitting up, using a sippy cup, picking up food, and holding his own bottle. All the other stuff has to get done as we all know...but as many people find, there's just not enough hours in the day. So I apologize, but blogging has gone down further on the list (along with house cleaning...please don't stop by randomly) while all those other life necessities are closer to the top of the list...right below all things pertaining to Jackson.

Time for Gamecock football!!!

Somewhere in this time Jackson turned 9 months. Of course at this point, we're closer to 10 months than 9 months... Anyways, Jackson had his 9 month well-baby appointment and he's doing well. He has been put on reflux medicine that may help with the spitting up (it hasn't), but otherwise is doing great. He weighed in at 20lbs. 5 ounces, and is 28 1/4" (both in the 50th percentile on the typically developing growth chart). His head is still in the 5th percentile, but has maintained consistent growth. He's still in his helmet, although we've had the occasional time out of the helmet due to some blistering from the adhesive of a band-aid. We go back on Friday, the 7th for a scan to see the progress that he's made.

At 9 months, he loves playing with his feet and has become very uncooperative during photo sessions...and getting dressed after bath. We are very anxious for him to sit independently because bath time is becoming more and more of a challenge. He loves to eat still and we've been trying to expose him to different foods and textures. And as of yesterday, his first top tooth is coming in...baby tooth number 3!

A few weeks ago we attended our first Buddy Walk. Adam's company, Edge Bio, does a charity event every year and because of Jackson wanted to do something in support of individual's with Down Syndrome. So on a cool and rainy morning, we trekked out to Frederick and walked for Jackson. Edge Bio was recognized as being a top donator for the Buddy Walk! We are so grateful for the support that Adam's company has given us.

Fascinated by the hanging branches

A week after the Buddy Walk, we participated in walk/run for Kennedy Krieger's Down Syndrome Clinic and local support groups. Our team, Jogging for Jackson, was the top contributor with a total of $4000 as of yesterday. We had 29 participants and had three of our participants win awards! Meg got third in her age group, Jeremy got first in his age group, and Ryane got an award for youngest participant!

Hey Pop...can I have your hat?

Jackson with the CCI dogs that joined us!

Grandpa and cousin Evan

Walkers

Don't worry Jeremy, we won't tell anyone that you got beat by this girl and got fourth place overall.

First place for age group!

Jogging for Me!

Our youngest participant...5 weeks old!

I think that catches us up...I am going to try to switch another load of laundry and do the dishes before Jackson gets up from his morning nap...there it is again...life. I'll try not to let it get away from me this time. Hope to see you guys again soon!

The update post...

2011-08-29T10:12:00.000-04:00

Ok...so I've been slacking off big time on posting. And taking pictures of the little munchkin...most of the pictures were taken with my iphone, so the quality isn't necessary that great...but here's a little recap of the last few weeks.

Learning by eating the cards

Sleeping leg up (like the spit-up spot to the right?)

Knees tucked under

Jackson received his helmet on August 11th. He transitioned into wearing it full time, but we had some major concerns with it shifting on his head and scrunching up his ear while covering the other one. We had it adjusted two more times until the company decided to make him a new one. The helmet was shifting too much and we would constantly have to adjust it otherwise. So Jackson was without a helmet for about a week and receive his new one on the 25th. It fits significantly better and is not shifting at all. We were a little more aggressive with the transitioning since he was fully transitioned the first time and ended up in the helmet 23 hours yesterday with no problems...until this morning of course, where I got him up for the day and he looked like Will Smith in the movie Hitch. His poor eyes were swollen, the right halfway shut...So I popped the helmet off to see if it had to do with the helmet and within the hour the swelling started going down and I placed a call to Star Cranial. Because Jackson slept on his stomach most of the night, the helmet put pressure on his forehead and caused his eyes to swell. They may adjust it, but she said that if he only is in the helmet 21 hours instead of 23 hours to allow the swelling to go down then that's fine. Jackson usually doesn't sleep all night on his belly, so I'm hoping that we won't have to worry about this too often. And for those of you wondering if Jackson was in any discomfort....when I rolled him onto his back to get him up, he looked up at me with swollen eyes and gave me a big gummy grin.

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Hurricane Irene came and went this weekend. The worst of it hit us in the middle of the night, but left us with a couple of leaks (we already had one spot that leaked) and water spots on the ceiling in the nursery. We lucked out with the power...we had it the entire storm and feel we got off pretty easy compared to some other areas. I told Jackson that he's not even a year old and he experienced an earthquake and a hurricane all in the same week!

Hurricane Irene? You mean, Hurricane Jackson!

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On Sept. 25th, I am participating in a run/walk for Kennedy Krieger where the proceeds will go towards their down syndrome clinic and other local groups. I'm beyond thankful for those of you who have donated to this run and/or are planning on joining us for the event. We started out with a goal of $1000 but are over $2500 and have over 19 participants on our team, Jogging for Jackson (a couple didn't actually register with us, but will be unofficially on our team). If you'd like to participate or donate, please check out the link: http://supportus.kennedykrieger.org/site/TR/Events/General?px=1052539&pg=personal&fr_id=1050

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I'm officially back at work, although got an unexpected day off today due to the hurricane. Jackson and I both had to adjust to a new routine and I miss him during the day of course. I'm assuming I will be back at work tomorrow, so I'm going to try to be productive today and enjoy some time with my sweet boy.

Happy, dry, Monday!

Back to Reality

2011-08-11T18:21:00.000-04:00

Coming back from a vacation, whether short or long, always requires a bit of an adjustment period. This time around, it seems a little bit harder...and perhaps its because we have a little one who required some adjusting as well and/or perhaps it has to do with the looming school year ahead. All I know is that I still have a load of beach towels in the dryer that has yet to be folded.

Jackson decided that upon his return from the beach, he would get up at 5am. Now normally we usually get up somewhere between 6 and 7...so basically what I'm trying to say is that the sun should be on his way up. It took Jackson about 5 days to get back to his normal wakeup and unfortunately during this time, I was having a hard time sleeping. Not very fair, huh? It always feels so good to come home and get in your own bed, so I have no idea what has caused this period of tossing and turning.

Jackson also decided that napping in his cribs is for sissies. After two weeks of sleeping on the beach or in someone's arms, it was once again, an adjustment back to the crib. He's never been the best napper, but we're back on track to get in at least one decent nap in his crib.

That's not your crib.

On the first Tuesday we were back, we headed over to Star Cranial in Columbia to get Jackson's head scanned and have pictures taken. Normal asymmetry is somewhere between 0-6mm. Jackson's is 22mm. So we ordered a helmet and waited for its arrival.

In the meantime, Jackson has gotten much more aware of the cats. He generally tries to grab the cats fur and yank the cat around...but he also seems to be greatly fascinated by the tail. Surprisingly, Neko (big, fat, mean cat) has been very tolerant of Jackson...even when he managed to roll halfway on top of her, all she did was give him a little sniff. And if you've ever met this cat, you'd be amazed that we didn't have to bring out the bandages and Neosporin.

Jackson and Coleslaw

Mmm, cat hair.

Let me grab your face

So that brings us to today...where I'm very sleepy as I did not sleep well last night (woke up every 1/2 hour or so)...but today Jackson is 8 months old! And for his 8 month birthday, we got him a very expensive helmet. We have been spending the day getting used to the helmet and I am at this very moment enjoying naptime (he doesn't have to wear it during naps on the first or second days). By the time I posted this naptime came and went...post not done...The biggest issue seems to be getting it on his head, but once its on, he does...okay. Distraction seems to be key...and wine...to end my day with.

But on a brighter note...he's 8 months old! He's doing really well sitting up, with help of course...and it seems like his PT has taken a turn from working on rolling over to working on sitting up from a laying down position.

The day after we returned from the beach we were sitting on the couch playing with Jackson and he was making his "cough-laugh" noise. Adam said, "I guess that's gonna be his laugh." And literally within a few minutes Jackson laughed...actually laughed...a real giggle...it was the best sound ever! We got him going for a good 10 minutes or so. Haven't heard it since...but I know its in there...just waiting to erupt.

Happy Thursday...

Duck, Duck, Post

2011-08-03T15:21:00.001-04:00

There's something about driving over that final bridge over to the barrier islands...that final stretch carrying the salty breeze with the excitement of time away from your busy schedule. We were so lucky to be spending the next two weeks with our family, first with mine, then with Adam's. And of course, we were looking forward to Jackson's vacation firsts.

Why hello there, blue eyes!

Beach vacation always brings back fond memories of our days in Long Beach Island, NJ. Of long days in the sun and sand. Or how my mom would have to drag me from the water because my lips were purple and wouldn't let me back in until they were a normal color. Or how on the first night, the men would take us to the beach while dinner was being prepared (and probably to burn off some energy from being stuck in the car for a few hours) and we would jump waves and pretend to fall down. We'd leave the beach completely soaked in our clothing and thinking it was the greatest feeling in the world. Or of our inevitable trip to the ice cream shoppe (most likely Honey Bubbles) and how at the end of the week we would walk down to the water with our leftover stale bread in hand to feed to the seagulls.

So of course these traditions should be passed on to our children and thinking that Evan would find this pretty entertaining, we walked on over to the beach to look for birds...

Any birds...

Maybe...

So apparently all the seagulls are either in L.B.I or in Ocean City, Md. because even the one or two that flew by were not interested in the tasty doughnuts we brought them. Jackson was bored to sleep...

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And of course what is more magical than seeing dolphins swimming by?

These were so close to shore and instead of just swimming by, they were circling a big school of fish to feed off of.

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Mommy and Daddy's Evening Away


Jackson learned to splash in the pool. (I have about 30 more photos of him just splashing away) Jackson and Evan had a few moments of bonding time. Although it'll be a little more exciting for Evan once Jackson can sit up and play a little.

"Well if Jackson is going to lay on the blanket, then so am I"

We also convinced ourselves it would be a great idea to walk and get ice cream with the boys before bedtime...in the heat...and humidity...the boys in their umbrella strollers and the sweat dripping down our backs. Ah, traditions...

And just try to get two young children to take a picture...

When the second week arrived, we literally had to cross the street to move ourselves from the condo to our house we'd be staying in for the second week. It was so easy. We had an overlap of one day of the Chwan's week with the Bennett's week so we merged our families for the evening munching on crabs and sharing stories from the week before.

Hey there, Grandpa.

Check out my two teeth

When Jackson wasn't in the pool, napping in someone's arms, or rolling around on the beach blanket, he was playing in his peapod. I highly recommend to anyone who has little one's that need a comfy place to be.

A year ago, we stood out on the deck of this very beach house and took a picture of us. Many times it was brought up over our vacation, "Remember last year when we were talking about how Jackson would be with us..." And now he's here.

By the way, Jackson thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Just sayin'.

We had a good time...until next year. We'll be back.

7 month man!

2011-07-14T17:10:00.000-04:00

July 11th, 2011:

You turned 7 months. You are successfully rolling back and forth (although sometimes not as gracefully as necessary, but you get the job done!). You can sit up in a tripod for a very brief period of time before you decide to fling yourself backwards much to my horror. You smile with your whole being and reach out to things that are interesting to you. You're growing up quick.

Today I made it a point to get my blood drawn (routine blood work) that I have been putting off for over a month now. We provided our paperwork and sat ourselves down in the waiting room. Your cheeks were rosy and flushed and your eyes asked me to pick you up. You were sweaty from the heat of the summer and flashed me a grateful smile when I plunked you on my lap.

A woman came in and sat down next to us and commented on your beautiful eyes. Then she said, "He has down syndrome, right?" I was a little off-guard as this was the first time a stranger has commented directly on your down syndrome. I frequently get comments on how cute you are or how beautiful your eyes are (which are all true statements), but this was the first. She told me about this family she knows where the oldest child has down syndrome (one of three children) and he is 60 years old. She told me not to believe everything I read and that you have an amazing life ahead of you. I didn't tell her I already knew this...but it was nice of her to think so too.

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Helmet update: It looks like the helmet is a go...I took Jackson to Johns Hopkins neurosurgery department and they gave me a prescription for a cranial scan and cranial remolding orthoses (aka - helmet). We will head to a place in Columbia at the beginning of August to start this process. He will have to wear the helmet 23 hours a day for around 3 months. We will probably have to go weekly to have the helmet adjusted, but in the end his head should be much more rounded! We are keeping our fingers crossed that we get it covered by insurance, but I'm not trying to get my hopes up too high since it is strictly a cosmetic thing.

Heart update: Went back to Johns Hopkins the next day to the pediatric cardiology department where Jackson had an electrocardiogram and then ultrasound of his heart. The hole (ASD) is still present (actually there are two holes next to each other), but it has not gotten any bigger and the right side of his heart is not enlarged which means that the right side is not overcompensating at this point. Dr. Walker mentioned that he has, I believe she called it, pulmonary valve stenosis...in his case he has a mild "blockage" most likely due to the extra blood across the hole (imagine more blood flowing through a narrow vessel). But all in all, he is in great shape and there is no needed intervention at this time. We are going to go back in 6 months for monitoring and if there is no change or if the hole is smaller then we will probably monitor every year instead of every 6 months.

Summer Adventures

2011-07-06T10:59:00.000-04:00

We kicked off the summer with a trip down south to celebrate my mother's birthday. My sister and I packed massive amounts of children's things into her car, strapped the boys in, and headed down 95 to help out with the preparations. Jackson pulled on his car seat toy while Evan threw his stuffed dog towards the front of the car and I would throw it back to his delight (a habit that I'm sure I should not be indulging). All this to the sounds of childrens' songs about dusting and bath time bubbles. We hoped the boys would sleep, but just as soon as one would settle, the other would start up. But we made it there in time for a late night bottle and nighty night time.

That Friday we spent the morning prepping food (thank Goodness for morning naptime)...and with the help of my Aunt Holli, Joanne, mom, and sister we knocked out the food preps real quick and were able to squeeze in some playtime.

And beach time...

And sleepy time...

Daddy arrived just in time for the festivities and a couple hours of snuggle time before Jackson's fussing reminded us it was nearing bedtime.

Birthday celebrations....


Family gift to Mom - Cookbook with family and friend recipes

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Jackson's been working hard. At my parent's house he was utilizing his unusual method of turning over from tummy to back.

So we continued to work on him getting those arms up and progress!!!

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For the 4th of July holiday weekend we decided to have ourselves a little "stay-cation" by packing up and heading down to Severna Park. Jackson got to experience his first boat ride ever. Did he like it?

Well, like many things he tolerated it. It was like Ralphie's brother in a Christmas Story when he was so bundled up that he could barely move. Jackson was all propped up and fell asleep in that exact position. Such a trooper...

On Sunday, we plopped ourselves on the beach with friends and family and hung out for the afternoon. Jackson had his first dip in the Severn River with Daddy.

Then we got cleaned up and headed back down to the beach to have dinner and watch the fireworks.

We had a brief interuption in our festivities with a storm that rolled on through. Jackson was sleeping in his peapod, but I scooped him up and got him under the pavillion just in time for the heaven's to spill. He stayed asleep initially...and as I looked around at all the young children crying and clinging to their parents, I was amazed at how Jackson was handling it all. And then...one clap of thunder too many, and the wailing began. If you like storms, this had it all...downpoor, thunder, and lightning that literally went horizontal across the sky.

Jackson got himself back together and we watched the fireworks by the river (or Jackson slept while I held him while watching the fireworks by the river).

On Monday, we got our things together and walked over to Matt and D's house to watch the Severna Park parade. Once again, little man slept through about half the parade, but did wake up in time to see some old cars and floats.

Hope everyone's summer has been filled with adventure...

More to come...

6 month well-baby

2011-06-23T09:06:00.000-04:00

On Monday we had our 6 month well baby check-up. Jackson could not stop wiggling around...You know that paper that they always stretch out on the table...a complete disaster, crinkled and torn. All he wanted to do was roll around and play.

So another healthy trip to the doctor's. He's 17lbs and 26 1/4" long (both 45th percentile on the "normal" chart). Jackson has been officially diagnosed with plagiocephaly (AKA flat head) and has an appointment at Johns Hopkins to be evaluated for a helmet. The very next day we have his cardiology appointment...they might as well set up a cot for us! If I've spoken to you about his flat head, then you know that I was predicting this. Due to his low tone and preference to one side, his poor dome is definitely flat on one side and now because of that flatness tends to roll that way when he's sleeping. Our PT wanted us to sleep him on his side, but how in the world do you get him to stay that way (see above comment about paper at doctor's office).

Of course we may have issues with insurance...but we are keeping our fingers crossed that it gets covered and if not, we are ready to go to battle. But if all fails, we are certainly going to dole out the moolah for this. We are not naive that we live in a world where we judge people based upon appearances...he is already "different" according to most people and we as parents aren't going to add to his "differences" based upon money.

So long story short...get prepared for adorable pics with helmet included. If anyone can make a helmet look good, its our man.

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On a (or is "an"...English teachers help me out...I think its "a" because it's referring to "note"...right?) exciting note...did I mention that Jackson has a tooth coming in? Well...now his 2nd tooth is coming in.

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So we are continuing to work on rolling over at PT. He's a champ at going from his back to his front, but tends to get stuck while on his tummy. I call this his "beached whale" moves. Karen said that I had to get a video of this as she had never seen this approach before. So here is Jackson's attempts to roll back over. Its highly amusing...so its okay to laugh.

We are really trying to get him to put his arms up and show him how to roll over, but he just does not want to put those arms up. I'm convinced that once he figures out that he can push up on his arms that it will be a matter of time before he crawls.

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Did I mention that I'm on summer break? I am...Its awesome.

A year later...

2011-06-19T21:00:00.000-04:00

A year ago for Father's Day weekend, I could not stop crying and I didn't want to get out of bed. I was scared and I was sad. I was scared that I wasn't going to have the "perfect" baby and I worried about what our lives would be like. If only I knew how I would feel a year later when I get to hold his little body near to my heart and stare into his starry eyes.

If I could, I would go back in time and tell myself not to be scared, not to be sad...there's no need to mourn not having the "perfect" baby...because he is perfect. He is who he was meant to be and you're going to love this little man like you never thought you could. You're going to hang on every smile and babble. You're going to cherish every moment you can hold him close. You're going to feel like something is missing when he's not around. You're gonna love him.

So this Father's Day there are no tears...we are celebrating...

And swimming...

And playing...

And smiling...

And sleeping...

And loving...

Happy Father's Day...Nighty night.

2011-06-12T21:02:00.000-04:00

What a weekend! Busy weekend in the Bennett household...

Jackson turned 6 months old:

So we're trying new things...like this old-school exersaucer.

He doesn't have complete control...so add a few blankets and he's propped up just fine.

Today we spent the day over at Brian and Meg's who treated us to pool time, yummy food...and some torrential rain.

Trying to check out the ceiling fan...

One of my favorite exercises...

Giving "kisses" to his lion...

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend...

Progress and a weekend away

2011-05-30T21:49:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday was a busy day for both Jackson and Adam. I went to work as usual while Adam took Jackson to his reevaluation with Infants and Toddlers. Overall, the group was happy with Jackson's progress; he's presenting at 3 months in all categories (Cognitive, Communication, Social/Emotional, Adaptive, Fine motor, and Gross motor). Adam reported back that Jackson performed like a champ and felt the session was less intense than our first evaluation. We will report back in 9 months and we've been approved for more PT (1 hour/week as oppose to a 1/2 hour a week).

After Jackson's evaluation, Adam took the little man to get his blood drawn again to check his thyroid levels and a CBC analysis. Little man is tough and Daddy did just fine too.

So after all that, Jackson had PT with Karen. And when I came home from work, I found them like this:

I love how his face gets all scrunched up against your body. He had a busy day.

We're on a roll with trying new foods...in fact, Jackson has liked whatever we've given him. He's definitely a fan of sweet potatoes and he tried string beans this weekend.

We took advantage of the long weekend and high-tailed it South to visit with my parents. We enjoyed some good food, good company, sun...and did I mention good food. I think I gained 5 pounds back. Jackson "enjoyed" his first time in the lake and minus near heat stroke, (I exaggerate) he did great on the beach in his little peapod.

Our first trip to the lake was a little nutty with the new baby, but this time was much smoother. Even though Jackson doesn't nap regularly, he's much more adaptable than he was in February being away from home. We got him to nap (a little) and he still slept like a champ at night. Mr. Man is smiling away and we just can't get enough.

Happy June to you!

5 months

2011-05-17T21:10:00.000-04:00

On May 11th, Jackson turned 5 months old. I know that all Moms tend to say this, but seriously, where has the time gone. This past month seems to have gone by even quicker than the previous one.

Physical therapy is going well. About a week and a half ago, when Karen left our house, I felt so overwhelmed with worry and guilt that we weren't doing enough for Jackson. We made sure to spend extra time with him on his tummy and practicing rolling over. A week later, Marie told us that he rolled over from his belly to his back and that when she picked him up from his nap he was on his belly! Our next appointment with Karen went awesome and she was so amazed at the progress that he made in only a week's time. All those neurons are making some strong connections!

We had an impromptu twin day with Uncle Josh...don't they both look handsome in their seersucker?

With the way my days have been going, this next month is going to fly by just as fast. I'm hoping for a bit of a slow down with the summer break approaching so I can take advantage of every possible moment with him. And as for today, my eyes are telling me that the day is over and I need to recharge my batteries. Nighty night. (Hugs and kisses to Daddy in Cleveland)

Just Keep Swimming

2011-05-10T20:34:00.000-04:00

Yup...we did it. First Mommy and Me swim class. And you know what, Jackson did pretty well for his first time in a pool. He did great initially...bouncing in a circle getting used to the water. He even went underwater...twice!

But he eventually grew tired of trying new things.

And we spent most of the time in our comfort zone...on Mommy's shoulder and thumb in mouth.

But overall, a success.

Don't be fooled...this is not a smile.

And we're done...I think his favorite part may have been getting "bathed" in the shower. Little guy was asleep before we got pulled out of the parking lot.

Thanks to Grammy for taking some photos for us! And hi to Daddy who wanted some pics of our adventure. Mwah!

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T21:20:00.005-04:00

A little over a year ago, I found out that I was pregnant. At Mother's Day only a small handful of people knew - Adam and I kept our secret to ourselves since we wanted to wait until our first appointment to confirm the pregnancy (I can't tell you how many pregnancy tests I took between the first one and our first appointment at 9 weeks...just to make sure I was still pregnant).

And now...this year, I have an almost 5-month healthy baby boy.

When I was younger, if you asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I would have said stay home with my kids...Having parents who made a lot of sacrifices to allow my mom to stay home with my sister and I greatly influenced my desire to stay home. I truly value the time that my mom spent with us (even though I'm sure my sister and I didn't show or tell her enough) and while that is not in the cards for us at the moment, I feel blessed by the gift that Jackson is.

So this Mother's Day what I'm most thankful for is this handsome little man who made me a Mommy. I love him.

A lean, a lean, a lean... (For all my SPHS cheerleading friends)

Apples!

Happy Mother's Day.

Here comes Peter Cottontail...

2011-04-27T21:11:00.000-04:00

Lots of firsts are in the midst...

Jackson's first Easter which required multiple Easter baskets...

One from Mommy and Daddy

One from Grandpa and Grandma Chwan

And a beach "basket" from Grammy and Pops

First time trying cereal...

Rookie mistake - tried to give cereal first, then finish off with bottle. It was a no-go. Marie, who watches him at daycare has successfully gotten him to eat cereal...bottle first, cereal second. Live and learn.

First rolling over from back to front...I put Jackson in his crib for a moment and when I came back he had gotten himself all the way over to his tummy (although he still has his one arm kinda tucked under him). I was so excited I cheered him on and didn't think to grab the camera.

That's all for now folks...wish I had the energy to share some more photos...but so. very. sleepy. Night night.

Blooms

2011-04-21T07:03:00.001-04:00

I don't have a green thumb...I can't grow much unless it doesn't require watering... I did, however, plant bulbs that I received from my baby shower and with each day inspected them to see what growth had occurred (ok...in all honesty, I planted them and forgot about them...but who's keeping track). So of course I quickly grabbed my camera to prove that I was able to grow two beautiful flowers. Its amazing to watch them throughout the day where in the early morning hours, their petals are packed tightly, but as the day moves on those petals bloom and expose themselves to the world.

Jackson is blooming and showing his personality to the world. His smiles are delightful and I wait in anticipation for the giggles to follow.

He expresses frustration when he can't seem to do what he wants...whatever that desire is. This is certainly a trait he has gained from his father.

Grabbing toys and arching back...trying to roll over....

Very focused

But he continues to bloom physically...checking in at 13 pounds 13 ounces and 25 inches long at his well-baby appointment on Monday. I am amazed at how fast the changes have occurred...going from his lowest of 4 pounds 12 ounces to the little man with chubby cheeks who gets upset when there's no more milk left in the bottle.

Days old

4 months old

So forgive me if I get a little hokey...but I enjoy watching this little guy bloom and grow. It is truly a magical thing.

Testing out the new Raven's pacifier

Early morning mirror time...

Blurry morning smiles...Hello world!

Spring Break

2011-04-16T07:38:00.002-04:00

Those two words are only second to the words "summer break" and rank just above "snow day". And this year I'm ever so grateful for 10 whole days away from teenagers. Even though Adam will be away this week, I get to spend it with my favorite little man, who happened to turn 4 months this past Monday.

April 11th, 2011

As a 4-month old, Jackson has made a new best friend with his thumb and while I know one day I'm going to wish he never had the habit, it is the darn cutest thing in the world to watch him do it.

Jackson also likes to bounce...of course you have to make some sort of bouncing sound effects to go along with this and you're almost always guaranteed to get a smile out of him this way (unfortunately still have gotten it on camera though).

Jackson has started to get a good grip on some toys. Although he is certainly more interested in his hand most days. He has this look where he purses his lips and looks with determination when he's fixated on something and if only I knew what was going on in that mind of his...

Bath time for the 4-month old...I think he's still ambivalent about it. When I give him a bath, I entertain him with my beautiful singing voice (insert sarcasm) and its always the same song. "Rubber ducky, you're the one...you make bath time lots of fun...rubber ducky I'm awfully fond of you..." Repeat...since those are the only words I know...

And as we get dressed...I usually work in the "hokey pokey"...

As for Jackson's physical therapy...we now have an official time-slot. I hope we make progress so that his reevaluation in May goes well. He doesn't really enjoy PT. Apparently, babies with down syndrome "have poor work ethic", and don't like being out of their comfort zone (who does, really?). Karen, our physical therapist, says that babies with down syndrome are very sensitive and are like "Just love me the way that I am!!!" So she does a really good job of working with him and allowing him to always come back to his comfort zone.

So its official...spring break has begun. I'm going to sneak in one more cup of coffee before my boys wake up and join me for our first day of break. I can't wait to dive on into that handsome man's beautiful blue eyes...

Happy break to you!

PT for our JB...and a celebration for Great Grandma.

2011-04-03T09:34:00.000-04:00

Friday was an adventurous day for Mr. Jackson. I took an unexpected day off so that we could begin physical therapy. Jackson's physical therapist, Karen, used her hands to mold and shape him in the right direction and I'll be honest, the changes are subtle, but by the end of the session he was orienting himself midline (temporarily of course). She sometimes seemed a bit "new-agey"...for example, Jackson was getting hungry and she told me to feed him and she would feel his head. I'm thinking she's going to feel his flat-spot, but no, she literally just holds his head and breathes deeply like she's trying to pass positive vibes from the palms of her hands to his developing brain (maybe she was). She showed me some things to do between now and our next weekly session, so hopefully he'll be rolling over, holding that head up, and sitting up in no time!

Saturday was a busy day for this momma. We spent the early afternoon celebrating my grandmother's 80th birthday. Jackson met some extended family and it was a wonderful excuse to get together and catch up.

The Birthday Girl

Mom: "Do you feel different now that you're 80?" Grandma: "I feel dumber"

A little help blowing out the candles

Having young ones in the picture reminds us of the simple things...

Like there's nothing like a good nap (especially when you don't get one)...

Balloons (or as Evan says it, bwoons)...

Joy of a new, homemade beautiful blanket...

Here's to hoping for a simple Sunday...Hugs and Kisses to Daddy who's in Florida. We miss you.

Lost: Mommy Mojo

2011-03-22T21:44:00.000-04:00

Being back at work has gotten easier...I guess. I'm finding my rhythm and establishing some sort of routine and somehow have made it "successfully" through 3 weeks of work. But somewhere between Friday evening and Saturday morning, I seem to have misplaced my mommy mojo. I usually find it by Monday, but Saturday and Sunday I have no clue where it went. Lately my Saturdays and Sundays just feel off...I lack rhythm and routine and stumble through the day. I feel like I can't read Jackson's signals and it leaves me feeling flustered inside and anxious for spring break (and the end of this school year). I feel like because I don't see him much during the week that I can't read him as well on the weekends...and that causes us to be a bit out of sync. And of course, I want to be that mother that knows exactly what her son wants and needs...

Believe it or not, this was the beginning of tummy time.

There we go...that's better!

The good news is Jackson doesn't seem to fault me for it. There are moments when he looks into my eyes and stares deeply as you talk to him about the day. He looks at you so tenderly that you know he's glad just to be near you. And just when I am questioning why he seems to be so fussy early in the morning when he never was before, I pick him up and he settles immediately into a deep sleep. So I ignore the papers that need to be graded and settle into the couch for a long nap.

So just when I think I just don't get it anymore, Monday comes around and I find my mommy mojo again. With work there ends up being a routine of sort in the evenings. And while I can't seem to get enough work done throughout the day, my routine with Jackson has gone pretty smoothly.

So that's all for now...my eyes are burning for sleep and 4:45 comes quicker than you'd think. (And a quick shout out to Adam, who will be happy to have a blog update to read while he's away again, we love you)

Is that you, Daddy?

Hope everyone has a happy hump day and for all you mommy's out there, hope you haven't lost your mommy mojo!

3 months

2011-03-11T17:15:00.000-05:00

A quick update in honor of Jackson's third month:

Another month...subtle changes in Jackson...Jackson has steadily gained weight (was 12 pounds two weeks ago), is slowly getting that head straight, and can be propped sitting up for short periods of time. Huge changes have occurred for Mommy and Daddy... Mommy went back to work and Daddy began traveling.

And I forgot to mention...Jackson did get his March RSV shot (for those of you who were wondering). And we did end up putting Jackson on thyroid medicine. His pediatrician consulted with a pediatric endocrinologist and he felt his levels were high so we are now crushing up 1/2 a pill and putting it in on Jackson's tongue. Its sweet and Jackson likes it...

Happy weekend to all...

Teachings...

2011-03-08T20:19:00.000-05:00

Day one back to work and I had to begin teaching meiosis. For those of you who don't have a biology background, this is the process of making sex cells. This process also can accidentally cause one sex cell to get an extra chromosome. This process is what caused Jackson's down syndrome. And I had to teach about it...

Believe it or not, first day back and I had a student ask me how does a cell get an extra chromosome. I showed him with my fancy magnetic chromosomes that I use to teach cell division and he responded with, "That causes autism, right?". I responded with, "No, it causes down syndrome." (Amongst other things depending on which pair of chromosomes it happens to...but that's besides the point)

I'll be honest...I had really hoped that I would come back to work and this topic would have already been taught by my long-term sub. I had confessed to Adam during my maternity leave that I was terrified about teaching this topic since "errors" during meiosis is a part of the curriculum we teach. Would I be able to discuss it knowing how personal this topic felt? Do I tell my students about Jackson? Can I just skip the lesson?

Don't worry, I didn't. But I also chose not to share our news with my students. It simply felt too personal. And I guess a part of me didn't want to see the reaction that I might get from them. Or maybe I didn't want them to feel uncomfortable...So I stuck to the details and made it through the week teaching the one topic that I was dreading.

And I survived. And when I look at Jackson, all I see are his big, beautiful blue eyes staring back at me. As my sister said one day, "it looks like he has stars in his eyes"... and this makes down syndrome a lot less scary.

Back to Work...

2011-03-05T12:22:00.000-05:00

So Adam made me write two posts, saying that I had to separate the oyster roast from going back to work...so this is for him.

This past week marked my reentry into work. I survived...survived being the operative word. Emotionally, I did okay if I do say so myself. Monday morning I got ready for work went upstairs to say goodbye to Jackson and then realized that wasn't a good idea. So a few tears, not too shabby. But as anyone who is a teacher knows, once you are at work you have little time for anything else. Lesson plans, grading, copies to be made, meetings...it never ends. So this week went by very quickly, and with two very exhausted parents.

A couple of highlights:
I taught a class with my fly down. I did realize it after the period was up and I'm pretty sure (and crossing my fingers) that my shirt was long enough to cover my fly. Awesome.

I was walked in on while pumping. Yes, I had a "Do not enter" sign on the door. They even admitted that they saw the sign and wondered why it was there. Luckily, I was pumping on the side furthest from the door, so hopefully they did not get too much of an eye-full. Awesome.

I began pumping without a bottle or bag attached to the pump. I only realized this after my brain questioned why I felt wet only to look down and see my pant leg was getting saturated with milk. Awesome.

But overall, I survived. Adam and I made it to Friday and attempted to watch Toy Story 3. We began the movie around 7:30pm...neither of us made it all the way through the movie.

So I'd like to talk to my past self and smack them each time they said they were tired...because she did not know the definition of tired. So this weekend we will hopefully catch up on some sleep, some housework, and some serious cuddle time.

Happy weekend to all...

Oyster Roast

2011-03-05T12:06:00.000-05:00

A busy weekend before my re-entry back to work. Adam, Jackson and I took off for the annual Oyster Roast in Severna Park. Jackson was going to be watched by Adam's cousin Jill at Adam's parent's home and we were going to head down to the water to hang out and eat some oysters. Or Adam was going to eat oysters and I was going to sample whatever non-oyster delicious foods they had down there. Unfortunately the air temperature when you stepped out of the house was very different than the air temperature down by the water and after a little over an hour, my mother-in-law, my friend Jenn, and I decided to head back up to the house to warm up a bit and check on Jackson. I had full intention of heading back down to the water after thawing out but you know what, it was warm and cozy in the house and it was my last weekend with Jackson. So I stayed put and enjoyed the company of neighbors that dropped by to warm up and family that dropped by to visit.

Aunt Lacey giving Jackson some love.

Jackson checking out Uncle Josh

Best part of the day, Jackson got to meet Maggie who was due a day after Jackson but ended up being a month younger since Jackson was born two weeks early and Maggie was born two weeks late. When cousin Carly laid Maggie down next to Jackson, my heart grew big and I rushed to get my camera (new parent syndrome). They laid close to one another and seemed perfectly content, even with Jackson catching an elbow now and then.

As the oyster roast wound down, the rest of the brave souls came in from the cold to relax, talk, and enjoy some music.

Oh for an ounce of this energy...Maggie's sister Libby burning some energy!

A great way to end the weekend...now for those lesson plans...oh, those can wait.

In his own time

2011-02-25T11:02:00.000-05:00

Knowing how important it is to get started on early intervention for Jackson, I was so glad that we were finally able to have our appointment with Infants and Toddlers after a cancellation due to the weather. I was surprised to wake up and find myself a little anxious about the appointment. I think most of my tension was due to not knowing exactly what was going to happen at the appointment, but in all honesty, it was a strange experience and not one that I enjoyed.

We arrived at our appointment a few minutes early and met with our case manager. She went over the program with us and had us sign papers (lots of papers...she joked that we were buying a home). Then the blitzkrieg began... as our case manager tried to hurry us along to the next room, I tried to quickly change Jackson and discovered he needed new clothing as well as a new diaper. Once his emergency clothes were on, we went to the next room where a team of people sat just waiting to evaluate our little one (a speech therapist, physical therapist and developmental pediatrician, and a few others...don't remember their roles). Jackson was placed on the floor and the firing squad began. A one, a two, a two, a one... in between numbers, questions being asked of us and I couldn't stop that creeping feeling of being judged. What answer are they looking for? Where is this question leading? As they scored our son, I just wanted to tell them, "He's perfect...leave him alone!" They scored him when placed on his tummy after what felt like two seconds and I wanted to yell at them "he can do it, just give him a chance to!" "How can you judge him based on only knowing him for a few minutes???"

But if I'm going to be completely honest here, they were all very nice, they were there to help him and get him services that he may need. Being an over-achiever, I've never liked being scored because I've always put a lot of pressure on myself to do well. I have to remind myself that this is not reflective of our parenting or them viewing him negatively. They are doing their job so that Jackson can be successful later on in life.

So here are his scores (number is the month that he's presenting):

1) Cognitive - 1 month
2) Communication - 1 month
3) Social or Emotional - 1 month
4) Adaptive - 2 month
5) Fine Motor - 2 month
6) Gross motor - 1 month

So the outcome of this evaluation? Due to Jackson's condition, he is automatically eligible for the program. He will be getting a physical therapist within the next month beginning with 8 sessions and a reevaluation in three months.

Goals of physical therapy:
1) Normalize tone
2) Improve midline orientation (meaning he'll keep his head straight)
3) Lift head/chest in prone
4) Move in prone
5) Roll prone <--> supine
6) Prop sit when placed
7) Sit independently

Jackson will get there in his own time...and on a lighter note, check out his emergency outfit that day...

Medical update: Blood work came back for his thyroid. All is good! TSH levels are down and thyroid hormone is up! We will test again around four months!

That's all for now...gotta go work on some tummy time!

No offense to Holland...

2011-02-20T09:18:00.000-05:00

A few people have told me about this story that serves as a good analogy of explaining the initial shock of finding yourself the parent of a child with Down Syndrome:

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Emily Perl Kingsley 1987

I felt the need to post this because tears were brought to my eyes when I checked out my favorite blog today from another mom who has a beautiful girl with Down Syndrome and saw this:

http://www.kellehampton.com/2011/02/postcard-from-italy.html

So while Down Syndrome has made a little cocoon in our minds, it does not encapsulate our every thought and dream. Each day we discover that Jackson is so much more than the fact that he has Down Syndrome. So no offense to Emily Kingsley...but I'd like to think we are in Italy...we just decided to take the scenic route.

A Taste of Spring

2011-02-19T09:13:00.001-05:00

Just a quick post today...Friday was one of those days where you can't help but be in a good mood. The sky was blue, the sun was warm, and there was a great breeze that makes you hopeful for the spring to come. Adam wrapped up his work for the day and we headed to the park. This time Jackson was looking about and seemed to enjoy this brief pause in the winter weather.

It didn't matter that everything still looks brown and dead...the chill had left the air and we were excited to have some sun on our skin.

By the end of our walk, Jackson dozed off to take a quick cat nap when we headed back to the house. Not being ready to call it a day, we set up on the back deck, wiped the grime off the table, brought the music out so we could enjoy the last hour or so of sunlight and warmth before heading in for the night.

Today the winds outside are reminding us that winter is just not ready to leave us behind...so here's hoping for a speedy return to warm weather...

A Day in the Life of the "Single Parent"

2011-02-18T11:54:00.000-05:00

Nursing, changing, napping...repeat...I survived!!! Adam went away for his first trip since the little nugget arrived. Not really sure who it was harder on, me or him, but we made it!

If it weren't for my crock pot, I don't think I would have eaten dinner that first night. Perhaps Jackson sensed that someone was missing, but he required some extra snuggles before nodding off into dreamland. I managed to eat my Hamburger Vegetable Soup without dribbling it over Jackson who watched me intently, patiently waiting for me to finish, just glad to be held.

So, in all honesty, it wasn't bad. The biggest difference was the evenings, where I usually have an extra pair of hands to give me a break from changing diapers or taking turns holding Jackson so that the other person can actually eat dinner. I have to admit, my diet took a beating though. I've been trying to watch what I eat, but the last couple of days, it was whatever was quick and easy to make (and a few sweets may have snuck in as well).

I'm glad that I got to experience the first trip while I was still home, however, I know that this will be nothing like when I'm back at work. My biggest fear is the mornings where I need to get Jackson ready for day care and myself out the door to drop him off and make it to work by 7:10...but I have a few more weeks to worry about this until I find the reality of the situation right in my lap.

Jackson had another trip to the lab to get blood work done for his second-round of Thyroid screening.

It's like he knew what was coming!

I was shocked that he is now old enough to get blood drawn from his arm rather than heel sticks. I held him while they put that rubber band thingy around his little arm to draw out his little veins...and I put on a brave face while they inserted the needle...and then I began to sweat as they struggled to get a vein and kept moving the needle around...ugh. Poor thing was screaming away...I just wanted to whisk him away and yell at them to get a real professional to draw his blood! So the right arm was a failure and they repeated the process with the left arm...thankfully this was a success and they were able to fill their vial. Such a trooper!

Welcome home, Daddy!!!

So today Daddy is working from home and we hope to take a walk in the park to take advantage of this warm weather before winter temps sneak back on us and Daddy has to leave for his next trip tomorrow. But now I have one trip under my belt, so I'm like an old pro already! Nursing, changing, napping...repeat!

Love Day!

2011-02-15T10:11:00.000-05:00

Let me first begin by sharing a picture that made me laugh..

I just love the contradiction between the book and video game...and in Adam's defense, I have Epic Mickey for the Wii down in the basement (not that it has gotten much playing time since I got it for Christmas).

Ready for my Well Baby Appointment!

So Jackson had his 2 month Well-Baby appointment on Valentine's Day...he's up to 10lbs. 14 ounces and is 22 1/4" long. He has moved from the 5th/10th percentile to the 20th/25th percentile (although he still has a small head - only 5th percentile...so he doesn't take after his Daddy on that one!). For the most part, the visit was uneventful, which is good...means a healthy baby. We have been instructed to rotate him when he's sleeping in his crib because his one side of his head is getting a little flat...but all-in-all he's doing great! The big event - this was the multiple vaccine day. Two shots in the thigh and one by mouth. Man that boy can holler when he's unhappy. Luckily the nurse was quick and efficient and once he got some snuggles from Mommy he was just fine. The nurse warned me that he may develop a fever and/or may have an uncontrollable crying fit and/or may have problems feeding and then sent us on our way...

However, Jackson slept the entire way home and he ate just fine...And it was positively too nice to stay inside, so thinking it would be fantastic to take Jackson on a walk to Rite Aid to get some Tylenol Concentrated Infant Drops (just in case)...I strapped him back in his car seat and got the stroller moving...and good God...it was windy out. Just when I was thinking that this was a horrible idea, Jackson started to drift off and I was determined to make it to Rite Aid and back.

With just a few blocks to go, Jackson was not happy...I kept telling him that we were almost home and picked up the pace to get him inside and snuggle his worries away. I have only used the stroller once before, but man, I folded it up like a pro and whipped him back into the house...only to have his cries get worse and the nurse's words of warning creeping in my brain. Poor thing was just not happy...I got him to nurse, crying his way through his feeding and finally drifting off to sleep, whimpering here and there.

Jackson then proceeded to sleep for the next 5 hours! I felt his forehead and cheeks periodically, but his cheeks were cool and he seemed peaceful, resting off in dreamland. Our little nugget probably would have slept longer if I hadn't scooped him off to bed at 9pm (he then slept till 6:30am)!
So here's hoping to a more normal day today. And while Valentine's Day was very different from past years...we enjoyed a Chinese food dinner and tried to stay awake on the couch (don't worry, the parents went out Saturday night to celebrate). Adam surprised me with a beautiful flower arrangement that got delivered to a house down our block and I received some packages due to some on-line shopping last week (a good reason to go back to work soon perhaps!).

Beautiful bouquet!


My Treasure Necklace

Not sure which package I was more excited about...my necklace, sweater saver, or cleaning solution to get rid of deodorant "pit stains". Haha!

So that's all for now...hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day and shared there love with someone whether it is a spouse, friend, or family member. I feel so blessed to have two Valentines in my life now and am very grateful that I was able to snuggle with them both...my cup runneth over.

Love to all...

Jackson's First Valentine's Day card from Mommy and Daddy

Grandma and Grandpa Chwan's Valentine's gift to Jackson

"This Little Piggy" from Grammy and Poppo Bennett

Two months!

2011-02-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

Two months! Where does the time go? Holy Moly!!!

Two months today! Jackson's gift to me was sleeping for 7 hours last night!!! Then he got up, had breakfast and spit up all over me. But hey, I got 7 hours of sleep STRAIGHT!!!

So because he's becoming a little man, I felt the need to put him in "little man clothes". Also, gotta get him in the outfit before he grows out of it...hey, most days I keep him in onesies...I mean, if Mommy gets to stay comfy in her PJs then why can't Jackson (plus, less laundry for me).

From this picture, I don't think he likes his "little man clothes"...in fact, he's already spit up on his sweater...

So its been a good month. Jackson has been healthy, he seems like he's exactly where he needs to be physically...he's starting to smile...he's tracking things...he can lift his head for short periods of time...a good month! Mommy and Daddy have actually had two nights out and have had great visits with family!

Jackson looks so tiny in cousin Eric's arms!!!

Looking adoringly at Aunt Holli and cousin Elli

We've spent the month grabbing onto little things...sweaters, fingers, rings...

You better watch out bug!!!

And sometimes he wiggles around and bats at things so much that it makes him sleepy...

So where does the time go? There is many a day that I feel like my house should be dust-free, clean as a whistle, spic n' span...but it usually is a good day if I get a load of laundry done and the dishes cleaned. And I usually wonder if Adam wonders why he comes home to a house that looks just as chaotic as it did when he left...

So yesterday I told Jackson that we were going to hang out in the bedroom so I could finally clean out duffel bags from our weekend trip (four days ago) and put away laundry.

But he hates the Boppy...this lasted about a minute before we aborted this for laying on his back...

But nope...he was not enjoying this...so we left the room a mess with laundry all over the place and bags still full and came downstairs to snuggle on the couch and that was exactly what we both needed...and you know what...the laundry can wait just a little bit longer.

To be honest, I'd rather snuggle on the couch...who wouldn't. And I'm going to continue each day to try to be productive because otherwise nothing will ever get done. But I'm also going to try not to be hard on myself when the laundry doesn't get folded or the mail sorted and bills filed away (Ha! That never got done pre-baby anyways!).

So that's all for now....so I have a few minutes to spare before Jackson will want to eat again. I'm going to stare at his little face and wonder what he's dreaming about...the breakfast dishes can wait...

Travelin'

2011-02-07T10:04:00.000-05:00

Three duffel bags, two pillows, diaper bag, breast pump bag, vibrating chain, play mat, toiletry bag, plastic bags filled with more toiletries, hair dryer/brush, purse, running shoes...

First weekend away from home and I must say, I did not forget anything (unless you count body lotion for me). Some things got used quite a bit (Jackson's play mat), while some didn't get used at all (my running shoes), but all-in-all, one thing is for certain...we need to invest in a car top carrier for our two weeks at the beach this summer.

Jackson did a good job this weekend, although he was a bit "off". His vibrating chair was definitely not a replacement for his swing at home, but Jackson was able to take a few catnaps in his chair giving mommy a brief break from feeding him and trying to get him to take a good nap.

We continued to practice raising our head. Jackson's neck is getting real strong and if you're not careful he'll whip that head around!

I always say I'm going to take more pictures at family/friend gatherings...but between feedings and rocking Jackson I neglected to get many. I did sneak in a picture of my adorable nephew, Evan (who wants pictures of adults anyway!). He has a devilish grin, loves to point things out to you and is keeping his parents on his toes with all his walking around and exploring!

So the reason for our visit...my Dad's birthday...and it had been too long since we've been down to visit anyhow! We never go hungry when we visit my parents and we got to eat like it was Thanksgiving (no really, we had a Turkey and all the fixins'!)...and I discovered that all that food is just as good lukewarm since Jackson decided it was his turn to eat just when we were all called to the dining room table.

Point of this picture...absolutely nothing. Just look how stinking cute he is.

As we all know, there is just nothing better than your own bed. Well, Jackson feels the same way...after a four hour drive home in which he slept the whole way, he greeted his mobile "friends" (just look how happy he is to see them) and fell asleep for another four and a half hours. I know he's only 8 weeks old, but he must sense comfort and all the familiar smells and know that he's home.

So its back to our little "routine" that we have and while its much easier to shower with 5 other adults available to snuggle your fussy baby, its good to be home and be in our own beds.

Tough little man...

2011-01-31T16:26:00.000-05:00

As I sit here listening to Jackson's snores, I can't help but think about his future and his health. I have read numerous accounts on what type of delays Jackson may have, but still think that he is going to surprise people. I mean, come on, he's already flipped over twice and he's only 7 weeks old. He's an old pro!

I was planning on posting on Friday after Jackson's evaluation with the Infants and Toddlers program. I contacted them in hopes of getting him started with early intervention with a physical therapist, special educator and developmental pediatrician...and then they canceled that morning...city schools were closed...some roads are still a mess and parking sucks. Ok...and poor Adam even had taken off work to be a part of the experience. Now we have to wait another month before he gets evaluated...I guess you can't complain too much for a free city service. Jackson and I will keep practicing lifting our head and flipping over so we'll be ready to impress them come February 24th.

Today we visited the doctor to get a special shot for Jackson...but let me back-track for a minute. Due to Jackson's low birth-weight and heart condition, our pediatrician wanted him to get a shot that would protect him against RSV (Respiratory syncytial virus). Now, RSV in an adult and typical child is nothing more than a cold, but in some babies can be severe and require hospitalization. So this special shot also happens to cost thousands of dollars and only protects him for a month at a time...so if you get the shot each month starting at the beginning of RSV season, you could spend thousands of dollars (we were told the shot would be a minimum of over a thousand bucks PER SHOT...the most $4500/shot)...unless of course your insurance covers the shot. Theoretically, Jackson is a prime candidate for the shot due to his condition and we were assured that Jackson would most likely be covered. So you can imagine our surprise and disappointment when the insurance company not only denied the claim once...but denied the appeal that was made by our pediatrician. We were even told about another baby just a few days apart from our Jackson with almost the exact same heart condition and Down syndrome who was approved right away (they had federal BCBS). A few thoughts here...we had already received his first shot at the end of January, so we were just waiting for that dreadful bill to come in the mail. We also struggled with what to do about the next shot. If we don't get it for Jackson, are we bad parents?...But if we do continue to get the shots we will go through a significant portion if not all of our savings. But what if he gets sick and requires hospitalization...how horrible would we feel if we didn't protect him against something because we didn't want to shell out the big bucks. Gotta love how our insurance dictates how we care for and protect our child's health. It makes me fee like this...

In the end, we decided to skip the shot. We decided to play the odds and avoid crowds and germs...and then we got a call from the pediatrician... they had "leftovers" from another patient that could not be returned to the company that produces the shot. They wanted to offer it to Jackson...at no cost! And guess what...turns out that the original shot was "leftover" too!!! Some things just seem to work out in the end and at least he's protected for another month (and we can keep a few thousand dollars in our pockets)...and we are jumping for joy!

So today he had his appointment to receive his special shot...and managed to pee all over the table in the doctor's office...twice. When we finally were cleaned up, we did the weigh in and little pork chop weighs 10 pounds even. He has doubled his weight in 7 weeks! I am quite happy that the little one had an appointment today since he cried so hard this morning while I was sucking big boogies out of his little nose that he burst blood vessels all over his forehead! At least that's what I think happened. The doctor had the nurse do a CBC (Complete Blood Count) to insure that he did not have low platelets which could indicate an autoimmune disorder. Our pediatrician said the blood work looked great and as long as we didn't see it over his entire body, he was fine.

Little popped blood vessels

I don't know how other babies do with blood draws, but Jackson is a slow bleeder. We tried to have his blood work done twice before coming in to the office today. It seems to clot quicker than they can get the sample drop by drop into these little vials, making it very difficult to get results, require multiple heel sticks and thankfully a very patient baby (with a few cries post-stick). They did manage to get some results from his thyroid screening and his TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) is elevated and our pediatrician will be consulting with a pediatric endocrinologist to see if we need to act on it. Hypothyroidism is common in babies with Down syndrome so our pediatrician feels it may be a matter of do we start treating him for this now or later...we should know by the end of the week what our next move will be.

Heel stick and toe stick

So all-in-all, our little pork chop is doing just fine. With only a few tears, he showed how tough he is...just needed a few cuddles and some sucks on his pacifier and he was just fine! As I finish typing, he's beginning to stir, so I know its just a matter of minutes before he ever so nicely tells me that its time to eat again. So on that note, I'm going to try to straighten up the kitchen in those few minutes that remain...and perhaps after we eat, I may just get a shower in...

Christmas

2011-01-23T13:56:00.000-05:00

It didn't feel like Christmas this year. Both Adam and I expressed these feelings along with my dad. It just didn't feel like it this year. We had the Christmas tree up...I decorated around the house placing little trinkets around the house (the only time I allow myself to have knick-knacks all over the place), but it just didn't feel like Christmas.

Perhaps it was the unexpected early induction...the week stay at the hospital...the monotony of my days with feedings, changing diapers, and more feedings...but for some reason it just did not feel like Christmas. When the fall came, the one thing I kept saying was that I hoped Jackson would come before Christmas and I'm so grateful that he did even if that Christmas feeling was missing...

So grateful to KC for the beautiful photos of our Christmas gift. Check out his site at: http://www.sevensetstudios.com

Our little blessing under the tree

While the Christmas spirit seemed to skip our house, our home was still filled with love and generosity. Jackson has been welcomed into this world with open arms by our amazing friends and family and this has truly made all the difference in our lives.

Jackson's birth story

2011-01-21T13:03:00.000-05:00

And then the ultrasounds began...our biggest concern was whether there was a heart defect. When the heart looked perfect, we breathed a deep sigh of relief. No physical markers at all...baby now has at least a 90% chance that he is normal...however, the ultrasound showed an umbilical vein varix, an extremely rare condition, where the umbilical cord is dilated and could cause distress in the baby if improper blood flow occurs. I then had to get weekly monitoring of the cord.

On December 7th, I had my weekly monitoring after work. I sat in the chair with the fetal monitors noisily tracking Jackson's quick heart beat, checking for dips and rebounds. The ultrasound went smoothly, just as it had the previous weeks of screenings. Jackson was doing just fine...I left the hospital prepared for next weeks screening.

First thing, Dec. 8th, I see that the hospital had called. They had just ran the numbers again and noticed that the blood pressure in the cord was elevated. They had tried to catch me prior to my leaving, but missed me...Give them a call. I immediately called them and the doctor said that he wanted to check the cord again and didn't want to wait till next week to check it. We scheduled an appointment for first thing Friday, the 10th.

Adam and I joked around about packing the bag and bringing it with us to the hospital. Just to be on the safe side, Adam rearranged his travel schedule so that he would be able to come with me to the hospital. In the end, we prepared ourselves to go to work after the appointment, including my leftovers that I would bring to heat up for lunch and my papers that I needed to grade. We arrived for our 7:30 appointment, I laid back on the table, and the technician clicked away. A few minutes later, the doctor came in and asked "Did you bring your bag with you?" I responded with, "Should we have?". The umbilical cord's blood pressure was even further elevated and he didn't want to risk harm to the baby. Moments later we were escorted down the hall to labor and delivery after making a few quick, excited phone calls to work, parents and my sister.

Its amazing how quickly things happened. Next thing I know, I'm in a hospital gown, tube inserted into my hand to be ready for an IV, and excitement and a surreal feeling knowing that soon our baby would be here and our lives would be flipped completely upside down.

At 10am, the doctor came in to insert a drug to prepare my cervix for induction. I would have to lay in bed for 12 hours to let that do its magic and there was a likelihood of having to do a second round of the drug. The earliest I would get pitocin would be 10o'clock at night...which could make for a very exhausting evening, but there was a good chance that I wouldn't get pitocin till the next day.

Once the drug was inserted, I wasn't allowed to get out of bed unless I had to use the bathroom. Quickly I noticed menstrual-like cramps that showed that my cervix was getting itself ready for labor. Fetal monitor was strapped to my belly to keep track of Jackson's heart rate and my contractions, and then it was a waiting game. Thank goodness for a House marathon to kill the time...and my cell phone with downloaded games. I knew that it was going to be a long day/night, so I tried to get some rest which is pretty impossible with the monitor and the cramping sensation in my uterus. We were told that it was going to be quite a while before anything was going to happen, so Adam went home to get our things and I counted the minutes until he returned.

Hours passed, cramps continued... My in-laws and sister dropped by to check in on us. At this point, the cramps were getting worse and I was doing my best to hide my discomfort. I don't know how long they stayed, but shortly after they left, the cramps magnified...and I was glad they weren't there to witness it. Adam was doing his best to comfort me as the cramps were no longer cramps but were very irregular contractions. I always expected that you would have a contraction and then have a break (even if it was a short break to recover)...but the contractions were so irregular that it seemed like I was having a constant contraction. At approximately 8:30 the doctor came in to check my progress. I was 2-3 cm dilated and progressing nicely. Just an FYI...no one tells you how badly it feels to have someone check your progress. That felt worse than any of the contractions and I would try to lift myself away from them when they would check me. Right after they checked me, I felt a wet trickle leaving my body and told the nurse that I thought my water had broken. They removed the inserted drug and let my body take over with contractions. Once my water had broken, the contractions grew more and more intense, each one causing me to grip the side of the bed and try to remind myself that this was a "good pain". I asked the doctors when I could get an epidural...something I wasn't sure I was going to want. At that point they said I couldn't have it...but very shortly after they said I could. The epidural was a blessing. I don't remember if it hurt much to have it inserted because you are concentrating on trying not to move while having contractions...but I was so grateful to have the epidural and be relieved from the pain. Once the epidural was in, we were told to rest.

An hour and a half to two hours later, I was still awake while Adam slept deeply on the pull-out. I wanted to sleep, but had a strange desire to move my leg which felt very heavy and was difficult to move due to the epidural. I kept a watch on the heart monitor and my contractions and when Jackson's heart dipped and did not rebound, I knew it was a matter of moments before the nurses came in to check on him. Two (or maybe three people) came in, helped me to rest on my side to see if Jackson's heart would rebound. No change, so they switched me to the other side...still no change. Then they inserted a heart monitor to the top of Jackson's head to see if they could get a more accurate reading of his heart and it was still very low. At this point, they helped me flip over onto all fours, gripping the top of the bed as a last resort to get his heart to jump up. Still nothing... I was only 7 cm so I was not ready to push and the rush began. People began to move much quicker, an all-call for people to report to the OR and they quickly rushed me down the hallway to the operating room while poor Adam, confused from grogginess, was told to get scrubs on and to wait in the room till someone came and got him. I had already been on oxygen for the last few hours to help get oxygen to the baby, so they gave me a full epidural to numb me completely and Jackson was out within minutes. I don't pray very often, but I kept repeating in my head, "Dear Lord, please get him out alive." His soft cry brought tears to my eyes and relief. I have never heard something more precious in my life. The minutes went by so slowly as I waited to see my baby. I was only able to see him for a brief moment and kiss him goodbye when they closed me back up and wheeled me to the room to let the epidural wear off. I laid in bed, shaking uncontrollably from the epidural, anxious to kiss and snuggle with the new addition to our family.

Once the epidural wore off, we were wheeled down to postpartum. They brought Jackson in to see us and I was able to hold him for the first time. He was so tiny, 5 lbs, with beautiful blond hair and blue eyes. Adam and I looked for signs of Down syndrome and while there were no major signs, you could see it slightly in the eyes. I think I knew right then that he would have Down syndrome. I tried unsuccessfully to feed him, but cherished being able to hold him and keep him close to me.

A few hours later they took Jackson away for tests. We expected him back in a couple of hours, but those couple of hours turned into multiple hours, with us wondering what was happening and when we would see him again. The doctors came in and out, gave us the details of how the baby was doing. Yes, there are some signs that he has Down syndrome although he is missing some characteristic signs. He has an ASD (atrial septum deviation) and a murmur. He had pulmonary hypertension. We received a ton of information, most of which I missed...and I just wanted to see him again. We were able to see him one more time before they took him away...And since he wasn't feeding they had to put a tube in his nose to feed him. Then they sent him to NICU. The whole time I felt this surreal feeling. I had a son with Down syndrome. Brief flashes of images of what might our life be like, things Jackson might miss out on...but those sad or shameful feelings would melt away when we looked down on his beautiful face and held him close to our heart.

I know this won't make sense, but those days in the hospital were some of the longest yet quickest days. It seemed we would walk down to NICU, feed and hold him, tell him we loved him, go back to our room only to make the trek down just minutes later.

While Jackson was technically "full-term", he behaved like a preemie. He had a low birth-rate, was hypothermic, and was having bradycardias where his heart rate would drop because he would stop breathing. The one thing that was going smoothly was that he was feeding fine on Day 2.

Every three hours we would scrub, get gown and gloves on and visit with Jackson. I can't tell you how hard it was not to touch him with bare hands...I just wanted to feel his skin directly under my fingertips.

Jackson spent 1 week in the hospital. He spent the majority of his time in the isolette that would regulate his temperature since he couldn't do it on his own. Every time we visited, we checked the thermostat to see what temperature they had him at. Each time we hoped for a reduction that would show he was one step closer to getting into a crib and another step closer to coming home with us.

December 17th...the hospital gave us the boot. They were down to a couple of rooms so we were going to have to pack up and go home. Jackson's isolette was down to its final temperature, but he couldn't come home until he had spent 24 hours in a crib at room temperature.

Before we headed out, one of the doctors sat down with us and confirmed Jackson's diagnosis. Jackson's blood work confirmed that he had an extra chromosome that caused his Down syndrome. Part of my last shred of hope slipped away, even though I knew this was coming. On our drive home to Baltimore, I hid a few tears from Adam, saying goodbye to that last image of a child with 46 chromosomes and sad to leave behind the child that has 47 chromosomes.

Thankfully, those hours went quickly by...Jackson was holding his temperature and each visit gave us hope that we could take him home soon.

At 9pm Saturday, the 18th...we finally got our wish. We took Jackson to spend his first night at home with us. The entire way home, we pointed out all of Jackson's "Firsts". Jackson's first stoplight...Jackson's first time on 95...Jackson's first time in the tunnel...Jackson's first night at home...

The news that changed our lives...

2011-01-21T10:02:00.000-05:00

It was a very normal day at work when one of my contacts went behind my eye...yuck. Robin, my co-teacher at the time helped guide me on how to get the little piece of glass out from its uncomfortable position. With a little effort and watery eye, the contact was removed. For a brief amount of time I had only one contact it and it made me slightly nauseous. Robin joked that I might be pregnant and kindly offered to get me a ginger ale. Adam does not believe me (probably noone else does either), but the night before I had a dream that we were on vacation and were up at the bar getting a drink when a man put his hand on my belly and said congratulations...then I woke up. I had forgotten about the dream until my brief nausea occurred and at the end of the day went to the store to pick up a pregnancy test...just for kicks. I could not believe my eyes when I saw those two little lines that told us that our worlds were going to change forever. I placed the pregnancy test on the counter in a spot where I was sure Adam would see it and became so anxious for Adam to come home and share the news with him.

A few hours later, Adam arrived home, walked right past the counter...was slightly annoyed because I wanted him to go with me to pick up a package at UPS (in a not-so-nice part of Baltimore) and I kept staring at him and trying to get him to look at the counter. Finally, he looked at the counter and we held each other and expressed our excitement to one another, seeing visions of what the pregnancy and baby would be like.

My OB scheduled us for a nuchal translucency screening. It would be our first ultrasound and we were beyond excited. The technician clicked away at the screen as we sat mesmerized at the images of our developing baby on the screen. There was the heart, beating quickly in the chest...feet...hands...profile shots... Then the technician left and brought in the doctor. The measurement for the skin on the back of his neck was high-normal...a physical sign of the possibility of Down Syndrome (or another trisomy...where the baby gets an extra chromosome). I remember swallowing back tears and hating this woman who ruined what was suppose to be such a memorable and exciting experience as we were shuttled to another room to give a blood sample that would look for protein levels that would in turn give us a ratio that would predict the odds of having a baby with Down Syndrome. I held back tears through the blood work, walking back to my car with Adam, and when I was safe in my car could not hold them back any longer. I remember calling my sister and parents who assured me that it would be fine and that the baby would be okay.

I don't remember how long the blood work took, but I do remember it was a Friday and I was right around 12 weeks pregnant. We had told immediate family and some close friends about our pregnancy, and were finally ready to announce it to co-workers and other family and friends. I received the call at work. Robin kindly watched my class while I took the call that would rock my world. The baby had less than a 1 in 5 chance of having Down syndrome. All I could remember thinking was how this could happen. I'm a Biology teacher and we always talk about how this is more common in older woman...I was only 29...this couldn't be possible. The doctor wanted us to consider get a CVS (chorionic villus sampling) but it would have to happen ASAP or wait to get an amino done later. Somehow I made it through that discussion and hung up the phone, hiding in the office until that final bell rang so I wouldn't have to face any teenager. The bell rang and I walked back to my classroom where I told Robin the news in between tears and struggled breath. She took a piece of paper and wrote 4 in 5 chance of not having Down syndrome. 80% chance everything would be fine...

I believe I called Adam at work...I couldn't wait for him to get home. I cried all the way home...cried as I called my sister...cried as I called my mother. I was suppose to go out to dinner with a group of my girlfriends where I would get to officially announce our pregnancy to those that we hadn't had a chance to tell since we wanted to tell people in person. I didn't know how I would go to dinner and be able to enjoy myself and not dwell on what felt like a death sentence. I called Jenn and told her that I wasn't going to be able to make it and asked her to tell the others what happened. She, like everyone else, assured me that that baby would be just fine...

Adam and I spent the evening talking, being sad, and discussing what would happen if the baby would have Down syndrome. I felt ashamed...that I had let Adam down...that I wasn't going to give him a "normal" child. Visions of the baby that I wouldn't have haunted me... Being a teacher and watching how cruel some teenagers could be made me sob with worry about how others would perceive our child. Would he have friends? Would he play sports? Would he be able to communicate with us? How would I tell people? All the unknowns terrified me as I mourned the loss of the baby that I thought we would have. Then the guilt of wanting that "normal" child would set in. The next day was Father's Day. We were suppose to go to my in-laws to spend time with family and I just couldn't get out of bed so Adam went without me. I couldn't escape my mind and spent the day crying into my pillow. By the end of the weekend we had made a decision...no CVS for us...it felt too rushed. It was never once an option to terminate... and we initially had said that we wouldn't do an amino since it wouldn't change anything for us...but then those numbers were given to us and we just had to know for sure. We did research... I asked questions of the doctors... how many amnios do they do each year? What is the rate of miscarriage due to the amnio? After all was said and done, we opted to get the amnio done the week before we left for a 2-week vacation in the Outer Banks.

Prior to the amnio, we had an ultrasound to locate the best spot to insert the needle. They asked us if we wanted to know the sex of the baby and shared with us that we would be having a beautiful baby boy! I was so excited that Adam would have a son. I've watched the connection and bonding that Adam and his brothers have with their own father and wanted that for him as well. Such excitement on top of such an intimidating procedure...An amnio should give a 100% determination of whether the baby would have Downs...and we would get to find out the sex officially! "Should" being the operative word! They placed that large needle into my belly and pulled back the plunger...and nothing. Pulled the needle back out of my uterus and pushed back in to reposition...and nothing. Took the needle out and got out a new sterile needle. Inserted the needle into my belly and same thing...a repositioning...nothing... The doctor looked mortified while Adam looked like he was going to lose his mind. This had never happened to her. They called it a dry tap and said we could come back in a few weeks to try again. Something came over me and I just let go...we weren't meant to know yet. For some reason, I was at peace with it. We turned down the option for another amnio but opted for additional screenings (ulrasounds) that would look for physical markers of Down syndrome.

We went on vacation...it couldn't have been better timing. We spent two weeks with family, relaxed and laughed with each other. I left for vacation fitting in my clothes and came back 8 pounds heavier...a
wonderful vacation.